I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
