God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We smell like vodka and hangover
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
