I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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