Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
