I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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