So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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