I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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