i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
