I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
