you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
