I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
