Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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