I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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