shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
