Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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