I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize