sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
