I met the friendliest cop last night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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