I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
