i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
