from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
