Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
