just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
All the doctor said was why
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
