And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
