Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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