we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
They have beer where we have blood.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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