What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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