I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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