I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
