Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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