Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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