I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
