girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
