Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
