Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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