its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
