went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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