the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
