Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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