I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
