I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
