I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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