if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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