were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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