So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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