Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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