No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
