i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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