youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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