I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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