I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
