Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
