just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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