you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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