you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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