I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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