I want to walk on stilts...naked
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
