Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
two words: eviction party
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
