Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
