I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You can't motorboat a personality
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
