dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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