I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
