No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
